3/25/15

Would Have Been

Well...my would have been due date came and went.   A dear friend who has experienced a miscarriage as well sent me a text with the following proverb:

 "She is clothed in strength and dignity and she laughs without fear of the future"

Can I sob please?  The fact that I have friends who text me words of encouragement and strength all the time, but especially this month makes me feel so blessed.  This amazing girl gives me hope that one day my heart will be fully healed.  I think a piece will always be missing, but I'm telling you when I get text messages like that...it helps.

I remember when Ian and I started dating it seemed like everyone around us was getting married. You had wedding season. Then when we got married it seemed like everyone was having babies. You had baby season.   Well I think baby season is all the time.  Just this month I know of 4 sweet ladies who announced that they are expecting.  When I first miscarried and I saw a pregnancy announcement, a pregnant lady or a newborn baby it pretty much wrecked me.  Thanks God for rubbing it in my face. (I know God wasn't doing this, but it's how I felt.)  I would burst into tears.  I feel so bad that Max and Emma had to witness me falling apart many times, especially in the beginning when it was so raw.

Now, here we are in March.  Last night I ran 3 miles and I felt so good.  I feel like I'm starting to love running again.  I think I may have been on a runners high.  Then I got on Instagram, because obviously I have to gram about me running 3 miles.  I saw a pregnancy announcement.  Bam! Punch to my nonpregnant belly.  But...you know what? I didn't cry.  It didn't wreck me.  I felt a  tiny pang of jealousy, but mostly I felt genuinely happy for her.

A friend posted this on Facebook, and it's so true.

I know I can't live with the "would have beens".   My brain knows this, but it's taking my heart awhile to figure it out.  I'm not fully there yet, but I can say that I'm getting there.   What's helped me the most to get through this is talking about it.  You don't have to keep things bottled up.  You don't have to pretend that you're okay, when really you aren't.   To someone reading this who hasn't gone through a miscarriage, you won't understand the pain, but you can be there to listen to your friend.  Talking about it helps.  Crying about it helps.  

Thank you for reading and letting me talk about my miscarriage.  You are helping me get back to me. I have to let go at some point in order to move forward.  

6 comments:

  1. Oh Jennifer, I'm so sorry. :( Because I'm a new reader I didn't know you were going through this. It never fully goes away, but as you've already experienced the pain gets a little bit less with each day. I truly believe that families can be forever, and whether that sweet little spirit will come to you in another body in this life, or not until the next life, that you will get to mother that child.

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  2. It's great you have such an amazing friends!

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