There are two dates that I really get consumed with thoughts about how different our life could have been. August 13th and October 15th. Every day I think about my favorite "What if", but on those days....it's the hardest. Actually the whole month of October is hard because there are other women who post about their experiences and sadness, and then it leads you to think of your own. Women should talk about it, it helps, it heals, it brings back memories.
This ornament that we got last Christmas sits on the mantel in the playroom between a picture of Max and Emma and our family picture. Our Angel sits there every day, because in spirit she's with us everyday. I realize I typed she...we don't know whether our baby was a boy or girl, but calling her a she just feels natural.
Even though I don't have a healthy 7 month old baby to blog about today, my pregnancy happened. My baby existed. In July of 2014 I had taken a pregnancy test and saw the word that made my heart stop and I started to panic, because life with 3 kids seemed overwhelming.
I had already started to think about how I was going to announce it on social media, because hello....that is obviously important.
I had started taking bump pictures for a blog post...
I had been experiencing morning sickness, all the emotions that a pregnant women goes through, the bump was showing, life with a 3rd baby had been thought about and accepted, and I started to get excited, our baby had a heartbeat....
Then I heard the words, "There's no heartbeat." Then you're left with thinking of the life you could have had, the baby that will always be a "What if", and a hole in your heart that will never go away.
This year I'm at a better place. I'm teaching again, and loving every minute. I feel like I found myself when I went back into the classroom. Max and Emma keep me so busy, and the weekends are all about family time. I think Ian and I really soak up family time during the weekend, because the week is so crazy. I do find that when I see a family with three kids, I think "That would be us." God had other plans, and I know that now, but when it first happened...God is who I was angry at. Why make a woman go through that? Why cause so much pain?
This October and every day I think of our baby. I remember, because my pregnancy did happen. Our baby did have a heartbeat. We have three kids: Max, Emma, and our little Angel.