October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. It's hard to believe that it's already been over two years since I miscarried our sweet baby. Some days it feels like a life time ago, and other days it feels like it just happened. Thinking about the day the doctor told me there wasn't a heartbeat anymore....in that moment I felt like I would never be okay. I thought I was going to be in this dark place, feel broken, feel incomplete, cry and just not be okay. Let me tell you there were days that were filled with crying. One minute I was fine, the next I was sobbing. Seeing a pregnancy announcement or bump update pictures nearly wrecked me. There were days where all I wanted to talk about was my miscarriage. I wanted to make sure that I didn't forget our baby. Just because I had lost our baby didn't mean that she didn't matter. She mattered to me and to our family.
I can't thank the people enough who let me cry to them, vent to them, and who were just amazing and were gentle with their words. I love that Ian told me to buy an ornament for our baby so that we could have to remember her by. The angel ornament is my favorite and it hangs on our family picture. (I know our family picture totally needs to be updated.) She's our angel and is always with us. My heart aches for her. I wish so badly that she was here and in my arms. I don't think I'll ever understand why it had to happen to us. It will always be a question I have for God. Why? It will always be with me and something I think about daily.
To anyone who may be reading this, and you've experienced a miscarriage or the loss of a child...I'm so sorry. You aren't alone. Don't be afraid to talk about it, and if you don't want to talk about it that's okay too. You do what's best for you.
Oh my sweet baby, I love you.