August 13th

August 13th is slowly creeping up on me. 25 days away.  As the day gets closer, I'm feeling more lost. I get consumed with thinking about what life would be like as a family of 5.
I was watching Marley & Me awhile back, and the scene where Jen Aniston's character is at the doctor having an ultrasound. She finds out her baby doesn't have a heartbeat.  That moment took me back to August 13th. I had gone to the doctor a week before, because of signs that had me worried. We listened to the heartbeat. Our baby's heart was pounding away. A baby's heartbeat is the sweetest sound. Music to your ears. It's a sound that you don't forget hearing. When I went back to the doctor to check  on our baby on August 13th, I wanted to hear that sweet sound so bad. When I heard the doctor say there was no heartbeat...my heart stopped. A whole life I was planning for gone. Just like that our baby was gone. 
It'll be 3 years since we lost our sweet baby. 3 whole years.  I'll tell you it doesn't matter if it's 3 years, 3 months or 3 days. The ache I have for our sweet baby is the same. 
Max and Emma know the angel we have is special, but they don't fully understand. Max was 3 almost 4 when I miscarried. Emma was 15 months.  This past week Emma was looking at the angel and the wing broke. I got so mad, I cried.  I tried to explain why the angel means so much. That lead to questions. Oh my sweet boy. Max asked a lot of questions. One of them being, "So you had a baby in your tummy? Well...how did you and Daddy put it there?"  Ummmm....crickets. He's 6.  He doesn't need to know about the birds and bees quite yet. 
To my sweet baby, who I'm assuming has access to my blog up in Heaven. I love you. My heart aches for you. I wish so badly you were here. Life would have been so full, so complete with you here. You will forever be my favorite what if. 
Remember that miscarriages happen. 1 in 4 women will experience the pain and loss. If you know someone who has had a miscarriage be considerate of your words. Be kind. Be a good listener. Be a shoulder to cry on. Be there. Be understanding. A woman changes. Your heart isn't the same after a loss. You go from a place full of life and light to a place so dark. No matter who is around you, you feel alone.  You learn to live with the ache. It doesn't go away, but you learn to live with it.  
August 13th my least favorite day. 

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